Tears In December

I'll be honest I doubt anyone is reading this anyway, and if you are I'm continuing my blog on http://blog.myspace.com/tears_in_dec  

Update from the previous entry . . . The guy I was interested . . . lasted about a month, which is the going rate for boyfriends. I hope he finds his unrealistic job and get lots of money, but that won't be where he'll find his happiness. 

Anyway. . . I'm hoping for more response on myspace. I enjoyed this site, but lately none of the computers I've been on have been able to open this site. Oh well. 

Peace
Becky

Current Mood: blah

I'm cleaning out my closet so to speak, putting my past behind me as I'm looking ahead to my future. 

Yes, yes there is this guy! I love saying that, but he is different than all of the other guys that were in my life. 
He makes me happy, and romances me. 
He makes me feel special. 
I feel like I can do anything, and he likes me for me. 
He makes me what to be a better person. 
He loves to cuddle, and spoil me. 

I feel like I'm in a dream, and I don't want to wake up. 

"I'm so excited and I just can't hide it. I'm about lose control and I think I like it!" 
*dances in my chair*

Current Location: Library
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: "I'm so excited" The Pointer Sisters

I feel ugly. I feel sad. I feel hated.
I feel worst than old gum stuck on the bottom of a shitty shoe. 

I feel used. I feel left behind. I feel like hell isn't a good enough for me.
I feel like I could sit in stomach acid and not die, live in pure pain. 

I feel cold. I feel stiff. I feel old.
I feel like i'm falling in a black pit while everyone is laughing at me as I go down.

I feel pain. I feel depressed. I feel fat.
I feel my identity is lost within the list of number that i don't I am as I tried to look while I turn blind. 

I feel guilt. I feel worthless. I feel nothing.
I feel exhuastion pounding within my skull as I want to pull out my teeth than finish  my thought.

I feel stupid. I feel alone. I feel native.
I feel pushed over the hill with arrows of sharp regret with me as I struggle to feel the arrows even more.

I feel selfish. I feel empty. I feel pitiful. 
I feel my spirit drain into paper as I am careless to reemember where I put it.

I feel silent. I feel fearful. I feel stubborn.
I feel pain as clunch my teeth in hope that something will happen-- time stops.

I feel anger. I feel disloyalty. I feel carelessness.
I feel rage as I want to scream, but silence comes out. 

I feel blackness. I feel release. I feel nothing.
I feel an akward peace as  times stops over my spirits-- all is is gone-- I've given up!

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: In the End

I will _________ this year!

* I will find a job I actually like.

* I will find more friends my age.

* I will visit my old friend more.

* I will find a way to bring up my self esteem. ( I am a good person.)

* I will get my my drivers license and a car.

* I will get most of my bills payed off.

* I will forget my pass and move on.

* I will publish some of my writings.

* I will graduate from college.

* I will not worry about things I cannot control.

Current Location: North Ridgeville, Ohio
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Whatever is in my MP3 player

Today is another day.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
When you're down the direction is up.

Oh okay enough bull shit fulling up in my head.

I hope on Friday December 8th I get to see The Holiday. That would make my whole week.

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Boston Augustana

My Day of Hell


I'm lonely and frustrated, because I tried to send e-mails to vent and updated stuff and there was an error on myspace and the damn myspace lost it all. It just to adds to my shity day in my fucked up life.

Okay, I'm going to try again. Basically the last two weeks I was sick and missed alot of work ( I literally lost three days due to sleep and I'm still exhausted.) Now when I'm better there is no work for me to do.

Thanksgiving sucked I was either being pulled in two dirrections by my father and step mother or I felt worthless and helpless and I felt I was in the way moreI was than helping. I also don't feel that I belong in my father's family anymore. The house is cold and drafty and they people in it are just strangers where holy religious mask or a false happiness that gives me that creep. It's like when shit gets in the fan they just stand there and say "It's okay God will clean us and it's ok to be covered with shit." I know my parents were stressed, but they just put a smile on their face like nothing was happening, and I thought I lost touch with reality.

It's just getting harder for me to the believe in an unseen belief by an unseen god who used to destroy his people and currently watches his people suffer with dieases and cancer.

My mom's house is the closest house that feel like home, but I still don't feel like I belong there either.

Sorry today is hell for me . . . even my horoscope tells me to stay in bed.

I called my bosses to see if I get my pay check . . . he sent it to my father's house, and now that I'm healthy there is no work left so I have to go job hunting after I finish my homework.

The worst part of this whole thing is all weekend I've planned picking up my pay check on Monday, doing errands, getting my school work done and then going to work Tuesday thur Friday to make up for my sick day. I had my schedule worked out until Jan 16th.

Shit, now my birthday is even screwed, because I'm probably going to have to work some stupid job that I hate. Damn it to hell! Oh well, my parents will probably get me each a cake and another 4 pounds like last year. Damn it! All I want is a friend to remember my birthday on their own, and maybe just hang out woth me is that too much to ask? Yes, because I'm a Nobody! What I really want ia boyfriend who I'm attracted and that cares about me. Not all the candles in the world or stars in the sky could bring me that one!

I have to go find a job now.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Hate me Blue October

People can be such jerks. They just don't get it. I have no real friends . . . people on myspace don't know me . . . I'm just a few words with a cartoon picture on a profile they may glace at.



No one knows how lonely I really am . . . none . . . Zero! No one helps me; no one even tries to figure me out . . . they just let me realize I am alone. I AM ALONE!



People hurt other people with jokes they think are harmless, but they're just idiots out there who may lose them faster than they think. I don't find a "fuck you" click a funny joke.



I have nobody – I'm alone. No friends, no boyfriend—no one! I'm not happy. I was happy when I was apart of someone's life. If I disappeared no one would care. Everyone would have more money to spend on themselves, and I would be "milking" anything off anyone.



I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I'm a jagged peg in a round hole. No one wants me, well not for who I really am anyway.



People just want to use me for a moment and they throw me out as they get on with their own friend filled lives.



Maybe for my birthday I should gift everyone a present and disappear.



I just want someone to make a bid deal about my birthday, or someone to let me just hang out with them. I want to have fun and feel special is there anything wrong with that?

Current Mood: helpless
Current Music: Hate Me Blue October

Holidays suck!

I get stuck with my stressful family while people who claim to be my friends go out with their boyfriends or go on some stupid vacation.

I've been so busy with school, I haven't had time to even do something for myself. My shrink said it would be good for me. Maybe if I didn't have so much todo, I might have some time to actually make some friends.

I have to go and working on another report for class.

As I said before, Holidays suck!

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: Chasing Car Snow Patrol

I'm frustrated with a final on an eight class that went AHHHHHH! No one will finish that damn exam. I also start a class next week, but I can't I get prepared ahead of time if I can't get into the site until next week.

I'm frustrated with people who won't talked to and THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE . . . Why won't you talk to me? ERRRRR.

I'm frustrated with people who know they need me to work for them, but are taking their good old time to hire me. You know I'm local and I'll show up. I have good refereence and I need the money.

I'm also frustrated with my father spying on me, watching my every move, trying to get me to move back with him, (I rather continously cut myself while I rot in a jail cell made of dieased infested mud, than move back), and now he's trying to get me to work more so he could watch over me like a baby. STOP BEING SUCH A CONTROLLING BASTARD!

So in conclusion . . . I'm saying screw the world . . . I am baking. I going to make as many cookies as I possibly can until I pass out!

I am going to turn the music in my kitchen up really loud and danc e in my short, tank top and sock, and I don't give a damn whose watching!

I'm also going to work on some writing as well as watching whatever movie I want while dreaming of being with whatever hot guy is in those movies! That is what I am doing tonight.

Why? Why does it seem everyone is burning my bridges?

Do people not want me to succeed?

Why does it seem to be the closer I get to something I want to accomplish, something tears me up, and pulls me down?

Why can't I have my cake, eat it too and not have it go to my hips?

Why is my world nothing but choas?

Why do I feel like everyone is against me? I want one thing while everyone wants something else.

Why do I have to be everyone's strong shoulder to cry on when no one is there when I need a shoulder to cry on?

Why can't I just be me and still be accepted? Am I that bad of a person?

Why can't I help but put others before myself, just to get hurt everytime?

Why?

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: None

Good things
My hair, I just like it.
My eyes, they can change colors depending on the light.
My voice, I hope to get a record deal some day.
My front teeth, They're straight.
My writings, obviously, because they're mine.
The small piece of my personality that seems to get along iwth about 80% of people out there.
My leader skills, I can take charge in emergency situations.
The fact I love abstract, why go after realistic, we live in reality?
The fact that I love doing small things for people.
The fact I put others before myself.
The fact that I am a naturer. I want to take care of the people that I love.
The fact that I want to make everyone happy.

Bad things
My weight, I know the looks and whispers I've gotten.
My glasses, I wish I had enough money for contacts.
My skin, The color is ok, but the fact that I can wash that damn thing and still feel greasy.
My grammar, it suck that describes it.
My bitchiness, I want to be nicer.
My Shyness, I don't have it as much, but it just gets in the way.
The fact that I draw to conclusions and I speak before I truly think.
The fact that I over analyze everything.
The fact that I don't stand up for myself, I'm weak, and i hate it. I hate putting up with other people's shit.
The fact that I can't finish anything.
Me, I am my worst critic and enemy.

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: Evanesence

If I had to describe how the physical, emotional, logical, and laziness processes work . . . my head is like an executive board room. I had a huge table with really comfortable swirl chairs that have wheels on them, and when my sides of my personality aren't at a meeting a few of them have chair races.



When making an important decision there is my intelligent/logical side trying to balance out the negative and positive points . . . and trying to figure out possible consequences. My logical side never lets my emotional side get involve.



When there is an emergency situation one of the first things my logical side tries to tie up, blind-fold, and tape my emotional side's mouth shut. (Basically see no evil, hear no evil, and dont do anything rash until the situation is done.) For most of the time this system works, but every once and while my emotional side get loose, especially during my period . . . PMS, gotta a love it? (For those of you that don't know . . . that is my sarcastic side speaking.)



I love humor, and about 45% percent of the time I have a dry sense of humor. You know being a totally sarcastic- smart ass. About 25% is a goofy sense of humor that I just get silly, and about 30 % is my crazy sense of humor side that I would do just about anything (with some exceptions) to get a laugh. I love to laugh; however, many people many get offended but my sarcastic side.



I will warn people out there I had have a side that is a total mega bitch . . . and that side has very short nerves. If that side wasn't already a piece of me, I would completely avoid that side myself. That would be the side that would flick-off random people just because I was having a bad day. I think my logical side convinces my aggressive side to tie up the bitchy side on certain days. That side certainly had no tact what so ever!



My emotional side doesn't ever think calmly or clearly . . . actually my emotional side is the reason why I speak before I think . . . I'm always trying to laugh and smile and get others to laugh and smile. That's how I handle my sorrow, my anger, my bitterness; my depression . . . is by laughter. If I'm upset or depressed and you can get me to laugh . . . then you should know I'll be okay.



I have a side that is completely paranoid and afraid of everything. I'm so afraid that I'm cautious on everything . . . I would even walk an extra 100 feet for a crosswalk just to make sure I won't get ran over by a car. If there is a side walk, I would walk on the sidewalk and no on the road. I double check my seatbelt after the people at cedar point check it. I don't inhale when I smoke. I get jumpy when I'm around any type of deep fryer, or a big fire. I get nervous when I have to swim in water over my head.



I have what I call my spite side . . . that side makes life exciting and does everything at the spur of the moment. That is the side that would dance in the rain in the middle of a public place or make snow angels, or go sky-diving.



I have my creative side which creates all kind of stories I write down or ideas I use for my scripts . . . It's always running on high with new and haunt idea after another. (it's really good friends with my romantic side.) It always the reason why I usually never in reality . . . why be in reality when fantasy makes life so much more appealing? However it's also the side that makes mountains out of ant hills, and causes my panic sides to be on high.



I have my nurturing side like I love to take care of people I love. I love to feel needed, adored, and appreciated, but don't we all? I know when I have kids I would check on them at night just to make sure they'll still breathing.



I have a side that is a couch potato. That side would rather say Fuck it, lets just watch another movie . . . Who cares about that situation, Boy Meets World is on . . . Time out, we need to watch that Jack Black special . . .



SIDES that I need to get . . . An organize side, a tactful side, and a side that catches details.



Sides I have that I dont need: my gullible side.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Bring me back to Life

I was thinking for anyone who hangs out with me or goes out with me, you must be forewarned.

I’m more or likely going to corrupt you. I don’t try on purpose, but growing up I’ve always s been around guys. You know I can handle listening to jokes about sex and other disturbing things: blood in movies and stuff like werewolves or vampires don’t scare me neither. Vampires are a fascination of mine. I love the seduction in the darkness, and life in the blood. I don't mind playing rough either.


I'm NOT a loner, I'm very friendly and social, and there are even times I love being the center of attention. I love to perform. I like to sing and dance. I've been working on my voice for years. I write my own music and plan to someday record and perform it. I love Karaoke. There is no other freedom than let my voice fly off the stage. It's also an amazing high.

I'm the type of person who would dance to the music in my head in a full parking lot in the middle of a summer thunder storm. Yes, I'm crazy! Crazy doesn't even begin to describe it.

I'm a passionate person. I'm passion about the people in my life. I'm passionate about my music, my writings, my art, and about things in life that excite me.

As for religion, that's just a word for someone to believe in something higher than themselves. However, I would like to believe that there is a reason for life than just to live, recreate, and die.
I do believe in past lives, because I have the feeling of deja vue so much in my life. I also believe in ESP, and horoscopes are more for fun. I'm also intrigued by palm reading as well. I'm open to different believes. I do mediate.

I don't like rules, or being suppressed. It makes me go paranoid. I like to be me . . . fun and wild. I can't stand planning things. I love stuff at the spur of the moment.

I'm bouncy, and loud, and unorganized, and I never want to do the same things day in and day out.

I love hanging out with my friends, and I hate just sitting around at home. In fact, I want to travel all over the world. I want to see and do all I can possibility can.

I don't know when anyone last day is . . . I believe: Live like each day is your last, and Face life like you're never going to die.

I'm a sweet-loving girl . . . I maybe 23 years, but I'm a kid at heart. I have my mature moments, but they're boring. I rather have fun in life and enjoy every moment of it!

I have no secrets. I'm an open book . . . ask me anything.

I'm very loyal to my friends and family and I'm a very self-sacrificing person: meaning that I would switch my own personal plans if I have to help someone out.

I want my friends and family to be happy. If I knew that I could do something just to help their happiness, let me know!

I hate pain. I'm a baby when it comes to pain. I would rather help someone, than give someone pain. I rather give my boyfriend pleasure than pain.

Money means nothing to me other than something I can use to keep a roof over my head. It's a tool, not a means to happiness. I'm NOT materialistic. I don't care about brand names, and I've never spent more than $20 on a pair of shoes.

I'm a writer, so when someone said something like a promise it means a lot to me. I rely on words. I believe in the power of speech, and to be careful what you wish for. I love writing, but my spell, and grammar are horrible . . . okay, they just suck. I write anyway, because I express myself the best that way. I'm always writing. I write about every experience, and everything that gives me inspiration.


I’m a very big tom-boy. I used to play in the creek at my moms house. I love to play sports, especially volleyball, basketball, and baseball. I'm extremely competitive, especially with myself.

I'm always a student; I'm always learning something everyday. I try to learn from my mistakes, and try not to make the same mistake twice. Yes, I said try, come on, people, I'm only human. I also want to warn anyone that the thoughts in my mind scattered. So if you want me to organize my thoughts get me to write them down.

I love to laugh. In fact that's how I handle my sorrow, my pain, my fears, my anger, my bitterness, my jealousy, my envy, my sadness, my sickness and any other feelings I need to figure out. When I'm upset about something, I try to make myself laugh. It's when I can't laugh that I get in a depression. Believe me; you don't a giggly, fun-loving girl in a depression.

I’m not offended by fowl language, and actually much of it is in my own vocabulary. (However when Im with parents or very young kids that aren’t related to me, I can control my language.)


I mean I have worn dresses and such, but I prefer my jeans.

I don’t regularly wear makeup, in less it's to go some place nice or a part of a costume.


I usually speak my mind, and have a habit of being very blunt. (So if you’re easily offended Im forewarning you.) I also have a habit of saying things before I think of the consequences. Im an opinionated and I can be a bitch.

My theme song is Bitch by Merith Brooks. “I am a bitch, a lover, a child, a mother a sinner a saint. I do not feel ashamed. I’m a bitch I’m a tease, I’m a goddess on my knees when you hurt when you suffer I’m your angel undercover. I renowned, I’m relived. Can’t say I’m not alive and you wouldn’t want it any other way.”


I'm always looking for an adventure. I can never stay at one place for extremely long time, it just isn't me. (I’m usually all over, the mall, the movies, Cedar Point, wherever I can go.)


I love to have lots of friends. (I’ve been pretty lonely lately.) I love to tell stories, jokes, and write songs. I can chat about nothing and everything. I'm loyal, sweet, understanding, fun to be with, and honest. I love to help a friend in need. I also give advice, but only when people ask for it first.


I would like to go into a small diner (one that's open all night,) and just talk and laugh until the sun comes up and the go to the beach and watch the sun rise. (I rather do that with a group that just one on one.)

I'm the type of girl who takes a raspberry iced-tea in one hand and drive my convertible with the other. When I break my fears, get some money and get my drivers license. I like the wind blowing in my hair.

When it comes to sports . . . I would rather be out on the field or court than watching them. I love to go on long walks. I like hiking. I like a good game of volleyball.

I love playing piano, singing, or writing. I want to write movie scripts, and may act in them someday. I want to be a songwriter. I want to record my own my music and get brave enough to perform it. I want to go on tour, and wake in the tour bus and not know what city I’m in. I also want to write several novels.

I want to travel around the world. I want to see different thing, experience different cultures. I’m always learning.

I want to have a life full of stories to tell my grand children. I want to tell them about all the people I've met and the adventures I've had. I eventually want kids, but now until I have lived a little first.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: None

This is my heart and soul trying to untangle the thoughts in my mind.

I'm sick.

I'm sad.

I'm afraid.

I want to go out with my baby tomorrow, but I don't want to get him sick to, so hopefully I'll get some medicine in me now.

I want everything to work out.

I want to make him happy.

I want to make him the happiest man in the world.

I'm willing to give it all up just for him.

I'll never let him go.

My throat is on fire.

Pain lets me know I'm alive and human.

I want to be a vampire, and never have to die as long as I can be with him.

I would give it all away for him. My friends, my family, my religion, my beliefs, my dreams, my hopes, my past, my present, my future. EVERYTHING.

He's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to bed.

It was like a blink when he came into my life, and I hope I never blink again so he doesn't have to go.

I can't swallow.

I can barely feel my throat, but I know it's there.

I like the color of blood. . . that black and redish color kind of mixed.

I can't stand my parents. . . father violent dicating bastard, step mother is a submissive religious freak, and my mom is like a lost puppy dog.

I can't lose him or I would lose the best part of myself.

He never lets me think bad of myself, except I'm not sure how to look at myself in another light.

I was supposed to take my tempt test today, I slept in, and woke up cough and choking on multicolors red included. I just wish this infection of my throat would go away.

Maybe later I would go take a walk, and just pray to anyone or anything that is listening that yesterday's past won't haunt me . . . and that everything will work out.

Next to the love of my life the only other thing that truly comforts me is the music of Hanson.

The thoughts in my head are always mixed, the only time I have a clear is when I'm with my baby. Everything just seems to be right.

I just want to know everything will work out with my baby and me. If we have to slow down so be it. I would rather have him as just a boyfriend then never to see him at all.

I don't like being compared to anyone, because I'm well me. I don't try to follow the normal society. What is normal anyway?

I want to dye my hair either blue black or jet black. Maybe I'll get and get a dye next week when I have actually have little more money.

Money has never been a really big thing to me. I just don't think I could really handle alot of money. I would be one of those people who would stay up late and think about who would want to steal it or take it away. I'm a spender, I don't think I'm good at handling money. So if you keep it away, I won't miss it.

My baby wants to spoil me, the best way to spoil me is to just spend time with me.

I something don't think I truly deserve all the things I get; however, my baby, told me that I'm not allow top think that way. Well, if I'm not allow to think that way, then I deserve him and he deserves me. He desrves the best the world can offer, and i wish that I hold him and never let me go.

I don't see anyone else but my baby (Adam.)

I'm tired.

What can I do to make everything work out in the end?

If I wasn't in the library I would be on my knees willing to sacrfice everything just to know that I can spend the rest of my life with him.

I hope I'm not too smothering or too obsessive. I just really care for him, and I never want him to let me go. I love when he wants to protect me from my friends and others who might get in my way.

Damn it, my throat hurts really bad.

I would give him up if that made him happy, but I hope that I would be the one that would make him happy . . . tell me what I need to do?

I hope he forgot all of the conversation yesterday . . . to save him not me . . . I rarely forget anything.

I just want to be with my baby.

PLEASE, let it all work out, PLEASE, please.

I'm going now, maybe to take a walk, maybe to take a nap, maybe to go pray, maybe to go cry, maybe to call my baby, maybe just to get away from awhile. . . I don't know.

Current Mood: complacent

Right now, my thoughts are tangled like a ball of messed up yarn. It could be the cold I have settling in my throat, as long as I get rid of it before it hits my chest. I've gotten rid of colds in 12 hours before. I just zap it, long story of a list of different things I do to add more antibodies and kill an virus or bactria that is in me. This cold is nothing, I just sound like shit.

I've been thinking I wish i could read minds . . . but then again maybe I can't handle the truth.

The truth will set you free unless you tell your parents omething they don't want to hear.

A part of me wants to see what the future holds just to know if I can really live up to everyone's expectations of me.

I know I put others before myself, but so did Jesus, and Mother Tersea, and probably a list of other people. I just know if I'm healthy and can help someone else out, I really try too. I know I have dreams to, but I want to help as many people with their dreams.

I need to get going and get some sleep.

Current Mood: confused

"I love you" "It's a given.

"I'm praying for you." I believe is another form of "I love you."

"I miss you,"
"I need you,"
"I crave you."
They go in the same category. I love to heard them just as much.

"You've really helped me."

"I can't wait to see you."

"Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Are you okay?"

"You're all mine!"

"Snookems." I know I didn't spell that right, but oh well.

There are some other saying that I like, but the person who said them will know what they are so enough.

Current Mood: amused

Many ideas

There are many ideas I've always wanted to see happen in my life.

I wanted to see if I've had the gut, the courage, the endurance, and the determination to ever have kids of my own.

I wanted a house or castle for my family, but it had to have some trails for hiking, and swings. I love swings, but not squeaky swing, but nice swings.

I wanted a huge kitchen for cooking and baking.

I want a huge front room with beautiful and a baby grand piano.

I wanted a huge pool and hot tub.

I wanted my own recording studio for my music and a den for my writing.

Nah, I don't want that much, huh?

Now I realize it doesn't matter if I have all that stuff. What matter is that I'm with my baby, and our future family is happy, healthy, safe and cared for.




Happy and Frustrated


First of all, I'm never just one feeling anymore. My baby always makes me happy, even when I do something stupid.

I'm frustrated because I want out of my house. I just want out and not to look back. There is too much control and fear smothering me here. I don't mean fear out of respect, I mean pure you're scaring me to death fear. I don't want to get to close to the edge or I might step on someone's toe's here and they just might push me off. ( with no buggy cord.)

I'm happy that I have a baby, a dark knight that supports me. I'm not use to it, but I love hanging someone protect me, someone I can trust and confine in, and someone who loves me no matter what. I just wish I could take him and leave.

Current Mood: chipper

I've gotta do it

Okay, I'm going to people for some encouragement here. I have a fear with driving, actually it's my not me in the car actually, on a country road I would do fine. However it's when I'm mixed with Driving of all kinds of speeds, emotions, craziness, and the just plain idiots on the road . . . I'm dreadfully nervous. 

I admit I want to freedom, and I understand it's responsiblity. Actually I'm a fairly responsible person . . . well for the most part. I know of a few people who are less responsible than I am, and drive. ( None of them are on myspace.)

I have movation, but I just need some encouragement. For people who know me fairly well I'm the one usually giving out more encouragement. I try not to ask for much . . . it's a pride thing. But I'm asking for this please give me some encouragement.

Errrr Why?

Three weeks ago I got a boyfriend who I love to death, but now I got a job. I want to have my own money you for like car issurance, cell phone, my own laptop and such, but now I think it will take a way my time with him, so I'm bummed out. 

Of course my parents have to tease me about some other guy I'm working with. They tease me about having some other guy on the side, because he bought everyone lunch today. Why would I have another guy on the side when my boyfriend can satisfy my very need, want or desire and he is everthing I've ever wanted? All day long, I thought about my baby, not this other guy. I love my teddy bear so much. My parents just think they're teasing me when it it drives me freakin' crazy. I can't cheat on or hurt my baby. I want to collect all his tears, and hold him when he cries. I want to support his every dreams, and be apart of his life. I love him, and not I can't even see him that much if my parents want me working 5 freakin' days a God-damn week. They drive me so crazy I just want to get up and go. I don't want to speak or even living with them anymore, but damn it I'm still in this damn house.

Shit at thise point God even knows I'm hurt and pissed. 

I just wish I could just be with my baby. . . anyway as long as it with my teddybear. I would give up all the money in the world, shot, I would even get up my dreams, because they are as important as just being with him. When I'm with him, it still like th world is just not there . . . it's just us. I would do anything to make him happy, but right now I'm not with him:-(

Errr Why can't I be with him now?

Current Mood: optimistic

After this weekend, I know I should be sleeping. I was exhausted earlier, so I feel asleep on the couch about 8 o'clock, I'm up by 11:30. Only to go to my room, hug my extra pillow, and realize in my new reality it doesn't do justice anymore. I moved around in my bed thinking of what happened and what can happen in the future . . . and that just makes me want to get dress, get a taxi and knock on his door. Then I thought about getting dress, an realized I hadn't changed over my laundry yet. I'm typing on here frustrated, impatient, and still tired, and yet I'm probably the happiest I've been in my life. it's so hard for me to sleep when my mind just doesn't stop with idea after idea, so maybe I should go change over the laundry, and write down my idea so I can sleep.

Darn, he didn't come online so I can tell him "I love you." Oh well, if he's smart he'll know!

Current Mood: tired

Things I’ve learned in 2005

Honesty is hard, but as they say the truth really does set you free.

Stop judging, that’s God’s job.

Everything fits in god’s plan

For reason we made not understand

Sleep is a good thing, even though I really think it’s a waste of time. I have so much I could be doing.

Give everything to God and let Him finger out what to do with it.

Eye color, hair color or skin color shouldn’t even compare to the gentleness of soul.

Listen to what God has to say, do what God wants you to do.

Even unbelievers can be just as honest, giving and kind as Believers.

Death isn’t the worth the easy way out, you have to be brave to live life.

Even the trouble makers can believer in God.

People change under their own noses.

God doesn’t give you more than you can chew.

Don’t blame others for your responsibility. Don’t take the blame for someone else’s responsibility.

Watch your back and you feet, you never know when the devil tries to sip in your life.

Just because sin fun, cool or pleasurable does not mean it’s right.

Even bad people aren’t “bad” people, it what they do is bad, not who they are.

It takes a stronger person to walk away and pray and give their situation to God, than to fight back.

I also tried to look at people more through God’s eye.

God does answer prayers even if it’s three years later.

Current Mood: contemplative

Well, there is this guy . . .
 
Don't you love when I start my journal with that?
Anyway, yes I'm on medicine for my tooth, but no the numbing stuff has not hit my brain yet. Damn! (Sorry, I have to act like a blonde for a moment.)
Anyway, there are at least three previous entries that state what I want in a guy. And for the most part they are true. I want a humorous, sensitive, sweetheart who has blue eyes. Except the guy who took my current interest has greenish eyes, and is a trouble maker. Gotta love the bad boys *wink wink* Anyway, he made me think that I should say fuck the list because I should still have fun with the bad boys while I'm still young, am I right?
I know I'm going against all my morals, but I'm not getting at younger nor any more experienced waiting for Mr. Right. And I think all of my friends aren't virgins anymore, and I'm beginning to think I'm the only virgin left in this world.
I mean if my bad boy said "lets do it here and now," I would be like "okay which condom would you like?" I want my bad boy to turn the good girl in me very bad! Yes I'm devious!
 

Things I wanted to do but don't have the gutts
 
I wanted to  . . .
 
Flash someone
Go skinning dipping
Dance in public
Have another conversation like I did on 8/12/05
Ask a guy out
Kiss a random cute guy
have a guy lay his head between my breast (I've heard that's a comfortable spot)
Have sex
Have sex in a car
Have sex in a public place
Have sex during church (condemn me to Hell now!)
Tell my parents off
Move away without telling everyone
Walk around my house shirtless
Walk around my house naked
Be more liberal
Paid for a guy's beer
Own my own house
Have my own car
Have my driver's lincense
Have a really rich boyfriend
Have a friend with benefits *wink*
Be on a chocolate diet
Steal a car
Take a really hot guy away from this skinny chick
own a hotel chain
Walk in the middle of street while there were cars coming
Tell a guy to his face I'm horney and I'm want him now
Travel over 1000 miles for really good sex.  It was 300 miles
Start a fight and watch the other chick go off to jail
 
That's all I got so far.
 
 

Current Mood: devious

My many sides

I am one person. I am one being, but I have many sides.

I have a spiritual side always trying to seek the higher being or as I perfer to call Him God. This side allows me to see people in His eyes, and things aren't always a glorious as you could imagine.

I have a depressed side always trying to seek a easy way to go numb and possibly end my trivial life. This is not a good side to have in control.

I have a sexual or naughty side always trying to figure out what is so pleasurable in sex. I realize giving pleasure is way better than receiving. I've learned a thing or two about myself and others lately. I have no regrets, it's normal to have this side.

I have a goody-goody side where I'm always trying to literally help people with nothing in return. I would go across the pits of Hell to makes sure everyone was truly happy. But what would you truly happy anyway? I just like to help people.

I have a side where I like looking for trouble. I would love to steal a car or have unprotected sex and not get caught. However, my other sides usually talk this side down, and I usually stay out of trouble.

I have a side where I need to be by myself. I need to figure things on my own.

I have a side where I need to host, where I need to take care of people, where I can bend backwards to make sure everyone is having a good time.

I have a side where I wish I could be treated like a queen. I don't see this side often, but sometimes it's nice just to know I'm apprectiated. I also don't see this side that often because I've realized I'm more of a giver than a receiver.

I believe everyone had at least two sides a good side and a bad. That's what makes us unique.

Current Mood: amused